Shame shuts down the growth and learning centres in our brains.
This is something that parents, teachers, instructors, and trainers must know. We use shame mixed with all kinds of insults…You are not good enough…You can never learn this…You spend too much time on the net…You are wasting away your life…Your room is a mess.
The reason behind these reprimands is that maybe these will motivate the learner to work harder and show some improvement.
Not just with the others, we often use shame on our own selves. Are there things in your past that you feel you should have done differently? How many of us feel that we are not living our lives as perfectly as we planned them?

Brain scans have shown that the feeling of shame releases hormones that can shut down the learning centres in our brains. Our minds go numb and blank. We are more likely to give up rather than focus our attention on the task in front of us.
Shame never works.
So, what works?
Kindness works. Kindness floods the brain with dopamine which can turn on those learning centres again helping the learners to show better results.
We also need to be kind to ourselves. Only kindness to our own selves can give us the courage to look back at things in our past that we are not very proud of. Also, with kindness, we can accept our present as the best versions of ourselves.

So when parents and teachers try to make children feel ashamed for their under-achievements, it is just for their own satisfaction. It serves to release their own anger and disappointment. It does absolutely nothing for the receiver.

Try giving kind attention to see the positive changes.


47 thoughts on “Shame Vs Kindness

  1. Yes we must know how each kid responds to different methods. Some react better to criticism when others shut down to criticism. Others respond better to praise. Everyone is different

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Thankfully, I don’the remember any of my teachers attempting to snuff oUT my fire. They did think I talked to much, aND one was a bit taken aback by my clowning. Even though I myself have had to reign in both of these over the years, I have found that with a little polish, both are part of what makes my talent working with (raising their quality of life) people living with dementia so successful. Glad I still don’t allow knit-picking to affect my glow.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. As a kid, your cuteness gladdened your parents’ heart and now as a grown up you are bringing joy and relief to so many people. Congratulations! Life can be so meaningful when one can help others, specially those who desperately need it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow i totally agree. Kindness has to replace shame. Shame does nothing for anyone. It aggravates both parties and nothing positive comes out of it. I like the informational part of your post. Very enlightening. 😍

    Liked by 3 people

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